Depression: How to Handle It God’s Way

Source: http://media.npr.org/assets/img/2012/11/06/depression_1-ad78d208bfd0907a122c249a74cd8f6ff184705e-s6-c30.jpg

By now you have heard that the famed actor and comedian, Robin Williams, committed suicide by asphyxiation on August 11, 2014. His body was found by his assistant at around 12:00 p.m. PST in his Marin County, California home. Reports on all of the news outlets have been that Mr. Williams was dealing with a case of severe depression or major depressive disorder and had recently been in a rehabilitation center for drug and alcohol abuse. Additionally, he was there, according to some, because he knew that he was sinking lower into the depths of his depression.

In one news account, it was mentioned that nearly 16,000,000 people in the United States deal with depression every day. It is one of the most misunderstood illnesses today. If Mr. Williams had a broken arm or leg due to an accident of some kind, then we could understand what is going on with him and the detriment to the mind when injury has occurred. But in the case of a deep depressive episode, because we cannot see the mind of a person, it is unfathomable to so many that anyone can be so debilitated by such a thing as depression. Debilitation due to depression does exist even if misunderstood.

Then there is the issue of suicide. When it comes to suicide, there is a mystery as to why people would kill themselves. We all know well that none of us can enter the minds of those who commit suicide. Even though one may leave a note, a video of themselves or telephone messages for those they leave behind, no one really knows the depths to which the victim of suicide has delved. It seems that in most cases, not even the victims know just how deep they have gone into the darkness and depths of their depression. The only thing that they see is that there is no way out, that there is no hope for whatever situation or circumstance in which they find themselves.

In this post, I will offer you a definition of depression, a testimony, and its causes and its effects on the minds of those who deal with depression. Moreover, I will offer some Biblical solutions for dealing with depression.

A Clear Definition

The American Heritage Stedman’s Medical Dictionary defines the word “depression” (in the medical sense of the word) as “the condition of feeling sad or despondent; a psychotic or neurotic condition characterized by an inability to concentrate, insomnia, and feelings of extreme sadness, dejection, and hopelessness.” (depression. Dictionary.com. The American Heritage(R) Stedman’s Medical Dictionary. Houghton Mifflin Company. http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/depression (accessed: August 12, 2014).

The Old Testament Hebrew uses two terms as well: 1) dal and 2) mas. The former means “low, weak, poor, or thin.” The latter means “despairing.” The first word is found in 2 Samuel 13:4 which says:

He asked Amnon, “Why are you, the king’s son, so depressed every morning? Can’t you tell me?” So Amnon said to him, “I’m in love with Tamar the sister of my brother Absalom.”

The latter word, mas, is used in Job 6:14 which says:

To the one in despair, kindness should come from his friend even if he forsakes the fear of the Almighty.

Additionally, in the New Testament Greek, there are two words used for the word “depression”: 1) tapeinous and 2) exaporeomai. The former means “lowly, cast down, or brought low and is used only in 1 Corinthians 7:6 which says:

But God, who encourages the downhearted, encouraged us by the arrival of Titus.

The second word means “to be utterly at a loss” and is used only in 2 Corinthians 4:8 which says:

We are experiencing trouble on every side, but are not crushed; we are perplexed, but not driven to despair.

From both the secular definition to the meanings of the words that are used in the Bible, we can then define depression as a condition whereby a person feels or thinks that he is at a loss which brings him into a desperate state of mind or into a despairing state of mind and without hope. Dante understood depression very well, he also saw “an intimate connection between hell and the hopelessness of depression. The entrance to Dante’s version of hell read, ‘Abandon all hope, ye who enter here.” (Edward T. Welch. Depression: Looking Up from the Stubborn Darkness. Greensboro, NC: New Growth Press, 2011.) Depression is a depressed person’s personal hell. It is a dark, gloomy and lonely place. It is a place of which no one is more intimately aware as the person that is depressed.

A Testimony

I have dealt with depression–and at times, I still deal with it. I am not speaking of merely having a blue day now and then. Rather, I am speaking of the darkness that enters the soul, the place that no one would leisurely enter therein for a joy ride. In fact, depression is my constant companion and has been for many years. I have that melancholy personality, you know, the kind that is introspective, isolative and injurious to the soul. At times, I feel so alone even in the midst of a crowd. When I am with friends, it sometimes appears to me that I am nothing more than a sounding board for them when they are unwilling to be a sounding board for me. Even if they volunteered to be a sounding board I sometimes am not even able to speak of what I am thinking or feeling because I do not know what I am thinking or feeling at the time.

When as a child, I remember that I used to play outside by myself. I did this many afternoons. As I grew into my young adult years, I was even more isolative than when I was a child. I did not know what was happening to me. I felt as if that depressive hell was around every corner seeking to devour me. Again, these were not merely blue days. These days were shrouded in darkness and it infiltrated every part of my mind. I could not seem to get out of the rut in which I continued to find myself. Even today, I feel depression in the deepest parts of my being.

I Am Not Alone

And, yet, I am not alone. Many people are plagued with this type of personality. Everything that we experience seems so stressful and at other times, we are fearful and anxious about everything. Social life or even times of recreation and leisure cause us sometimes to feel as if we are floating through an endless barrage of thoughts and issues that never seem to be resolved and only lead to a hopeless state.

In one sense, those of us who deal with depression on a continual basis can relate to Robin Williams. We understand what it is like to be hopeless–not just occasionally, but for long periods of time. There is even a sense that we are willing to take desperate matters into our own hands; and this means even that suicide is an option if it will bring relief to us. However, it does not have to be this way. The reality is that we are not alone by any stretch of the imagination. Remember, there are over 16,000,000 others in the United States that are dealing with depression every day. Yes, our depressions are different from others because of our individual identities, experiences and circumstances. However, we are not alone.

Causes of Depression

So what are some of the causes of depression? There are all sorts of causes. For instance, the death of a loved one is a common reason. My family has recently suffered the death of my twin sister, Denise. Although we believe and know that she is in heaven, it is still a traumatic thing for my parents and siblings. Sickness, exhaustion, hormonal changes, and inadequate nutrition are contributors to depression. Feeling like your trapped in a certain relationship, job or financial situation may be a cause. Perhaps being overwhelmed by school, marriage or work is a contributing factor. If someone has been mistreated, oppressed, mocked or rejected, this can lead to depression. It could be that someone has taken advantage of another. Not being able to meet the expectations of those closest to you can lead to depression whether it is the expectations of a spouse, child, or boss.

On an even more personal note, unrealized expectations that you have held for your marriage, your children, your home, your work, your sense of worth, identity, belonging, usefulness, etc. can lead to depression. Self-pity, envy and jealousy are certainly contributors to depression. Selfishness, guilt and shame are all very common causes. The list is endless. Just about anything that you can think of will cause depression.

Effects of Depression

The effects of depression are very commonly listed as the following:

  • Insomnia
  • Eating habits have changed — either eating more or less
  • Lack of sexual drive
  • Racing thoughts
  • Lethargy when it comes to everyday, routine things that you do
  • Hopelessness
  • Suicidal thoughts and/or intentions

People who deal with depression do not always have all of these effects. However, there are many who experience many of these symptoms when experiencing a depressive episode.

Unfortunately, when someone is dealing with depression, they seem to try to avoid the very idea that they are depressed. They keep smiling and thinking that the feelings will go away and that they can recoup themselves in some way. This is merely diversion: not dealing with the issues at hand. Then there are those who will use a victimization tactic. They will let people know that they are depressed for the purpose of gaining sympathy from others. Finally, there are those who will attempt to pull themselves up by their own bootstraps only to find that they are unable to handle it on their own. None of these methods works. If anything, these inadequate reactions to depression only lead to deeper and deeper depressive episodes.

Biblical Principles on How to Handle Depression

Where do we then find hope? How can we get past the depressive episode in which we find ourselves? I hope that what follows will be something that will be helpful to those of you who are dealing with depression or if you know someone who is dealing with depression. But before you proceed, please know that I am not a doctor of psychiatry nor a psychologist nor am I a licensed social worker or counselor. What you are about to read is something that I am finding to be the most helpful to me.

Accept that you are depressed. Many people cannot accept the fact that they are depressed. Instead, what happens is that we try to fight it and fight it and we find ourselves going deeper and deeper into despair. Paul the apostle said in 2 Corinthians 4:8-10:

8 We are experiencing trouble on every side, but are not crushed; we are perplexed, but not driven to despair, 9 we are persecuted, but not abandoned; we are knocked down, but not destroyed, 10 always carrying around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be made visible in our body.

The great Apostle Paul in essence was admitting that he, too, experienced times of being “driven to despair.” Nevertheless, there is a reason for these episodes. It is “that the life of Jesus may also be made visible in our body.” His perspective is something for which we should consider depression–even though it does not feel like it at the time–as an opportunity to see the life of Jesus manifested in us. There are times of despair but also times of victory. Both despair and victory build the character of who we are in Jesus Christ. It is a matter of perspective.

We need to confess any sin that is in our lives. This is not to say that your depression or my depression is necessarily caused by our sin. It could be caused by another’s sin. However, we need to realize that sin takes a toll on us. King David wrote in Psalm 32:1-4:

1 How blessed is the one whose rebellious acts are forgiven, whose sin is pardoned! 2 How blessed is the one whose wrongdoing the Lord does not punish, in whose spirit there is no deceit. 3 When I refused to confess my sin, my whole body wasted away, while I groaned in pain all day long. 4 For day and night you tormented me; you tried to destroy me in the intense heat of summer. (Selah)

To be pardoned of our wrongdoing is of great import. When we are dealing with issues of guilt and shame due to our sin, if we do not confess these things but merely try to hide them, it takes a toll even on our bodies. King David said that “when I refused to confess my sin, my whole body wasted away, while I groaned in pain all day long.” Unconfessed sin does great damage to a soul. Now read how King David answers his dilemma in the same Psalm:

5 Then I confessed my sin; I no longer covered up my wrongdoing. I said, “I will confess my rebellious acts to the Lord.” And then you forgave my sins. (Selah)

6 For this reason every one of your faithful followers should pray to you while there is a window of opportunity. Certainly when the surging water rises, it will not reach them. 7 You are my hiding place; you protect me from distress. You surround me with shouts of joy from those celebrating deliverance. (Selah)

If a person dealing with a depressive episode due to his sin confesses his sin to the Lord, as with King David, he will find forgiveness from the Lord. This is the very reason that we confess anything to anyone: to be released from the guilt and shame that so easily enslaves us. Sin plagues everyone. There is no one who is immune from the ravages of sin. All you have to do is look around you to see this fact. But when we turn to the Lord in confession of our sin, the Lord Himself becomes our “hiding place.” He “protects us from distress.” He “surrounds us with shouts of joy from those celebrating deliverance.” That is something for which we ought to be thankful but also should speak to each other when dealing with depression.

We need to recognized that God is present with us and that we can find sufficiency in the Person and Work of Jesus Christ. Matthew, the Gospel writer, quoted Jesus as saying, “And, lo, I am with you always” (Matthew 28:20). The writer of Hebrews quotes the Lord as saying, “I will never leave you nor forsake you” (Hebrews 13:5). Job recognized that nothing could thwart the purpose of God (Job 42:2). Every depressive episode that you may have is something that God will work together for good according to His purpose and plan for your life (Romans 8:28). Paul the apostle knew this and had every confidence in God through Jesus Christ when he wrote in 2 Corinthians 3:4-6:

4 Now we have such confidence in God through Christ. 5 Not that we are adequate in ourselves to consider anything as if it were coming from ourselves, but our adequacy is from God, 6 who made us adequate to be servants of a new covenant not based on the letter but on the Spirit, for the letter kills, but the Spirit gives life.

Paul’s confidence is not in his own adequacy but in the adequacy that is found only in Jesus Christ. In and of ourselves we will always find fault, guilt and shame. In Jesus Christ we will always find that He has loved us with an everlasting love, that He has accepted us in Himself, and there is nothing that can separate us from His love. Read what Paul the apostle wrote in Romans 8:31-39:

31 What then shall we say about these things? I God is for us, who can be against us? 32 INdeed, he who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all–how will he not also, along with him, freely give us all things? 33 Who will bring a charge against God’s elect? It is God who justifies. 34 Who is the one who will condemn? Christ is the one who died (and more than that, he was raised), who is at the right hand of God, and who also is interceding for us. 35 Who will separate us from the love of Christ? WIll trouble, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or danger, or sword? 36 As it is written, “For your sake we encounter death all day long; we were considered as sheep to be slaughtered.” 37 No, in all these things we have complete victory through him who loved us! 38 For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor heavenly rulers, no things that are present, nor things to come, nor powers, 39 nor height, nor depth, nor anything else in creation will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Moreover, God’s grace is sufficient to see us through these dark times. Read how Paul the apostle explains this idea in 2 Corinthians 12:9-10:

9 But he said to me, “My grace is enough for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” So then, I will boast most gladly about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may reside in me. 10 Therefore I am content with weaknesses, with insults, with troubles, with persecutions and difficulties for the sake of Christ, for whenever I am weak, then I am strong.

Our goal in a depressive episode should be to receive whatever activity God is doing in our lives. We may not readily recognize what it is that He is doing and, quite frankly, we may never know exactly why things have happened the way they have in our lives. But it does not change the fact that His Holy Spirit is with us and that He is our Great Comforter. Read how John the apostle put it in John 14:15-17:

15 If you love me, you will obey my commandments. 16 Then I will ask the Father, and he will give you another Advocate to be with you forever–17 the Spirit of truth, whom the world cannot accept, because it does not see him or know him. But you know him, because he resides with you and will be in you.

God has given us His Comforter, the Holy Spirit. He is continually working inside of you the things that God is wanting–even through a or the episode that you are now experiencing. In working in you, this means that He supplying your every need as Paul the apostle wrote in Philippians 4:11-13:

11 I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content in any circumstance. 12 I have experienced times of need and times of abundance. In any and every circumstance I have learned the secret of contentment, whether I go satisfied or hungry, have plenty or nothing. 13 I am able to do all things through the one who strengthens me.

My twin sister told me something about a month and a half before she died on June 27, 2014. I was headed out with my family for a two-week vacation and I told her over the telephone that I was concerned about two things. My first concern was her. I did not want to be too far from her in the case that something happened to her. The second concern that I had was the price of gas out west. This is what she said to me: “Denny, I’m going to keep living no matter what happens, so you go and keep living.” Her words reminded me of something. They reminded me that there is hope even in the darkest moments of life. She knew she was dying and that the cancer she had was going to take her life. But she was right! She is living today because she lived here in Jesus Christ.

Have I been depressed since my twin sister’s passing? Yes. I admit that I am currently depressed. Do I believe what it is that I have written today? Yes, with all of my heart. It is alright to be depressed as long as we do not get to the point that we take our eyes off of our hope which is Jesus Christ. Today, at the writing of this post, my twin sister is experiencing what I only dream. Therefore, even though I may be depressed because she is not here, I live because of the Living Hope–Jesus Christ–in whom I find my sufficiency and adequacy.

If this is helpful to you, please let me know. I look forward to hearing from you.

A Harsh Reality and a Comforted Heart

Source: http://www.medicalnewstoday.com/content/categories/heart-disease/thumbs/heart-disease.jpg

As I am sitting in my office this morning, I cannot help but think of so many different memories that I have of my twin sister, Denise, who went to heaven a few short weeks ago. She is greatly missed by my family, her friends and by me. At times my heart is so heavy with sadness that it seems that I am unable to think about what is going on around me. Overwhelming sadness has infiltrated my life as never before and, quite frankly, I am having a tough time dealing with it. This is the reason that I write my perspective on this blog. It helps me to be able to get these thoughts out of my system–or so it seems.

Denise and I were close to one another. We were in contact with each other often. This morning, when I awoke, I thought about calling her today just to check up on her. Then the harsh reality hit me: she’s gone; she’s not here any longer. We had her cell phone disconnected shortly after she passed away. I will never hear her voice again while I am here on this terrestrial ball. If only I had a voicemail from her on my cell phone I could replay it over and over again, but I did not save any of the messages that she would leave for me.

I am thankful that her two Cocker Spaniels are well cared for. She loved her two dogs. She would want them to be well cared for. It was hard to give them away knowing that they would not be with her any longer. They are doing well in San Antonio now with a loving family who are friends with Denise and me.

The grieving process is hard. I rejoice knowing that Denise is well, that she is made whole in heaven, but her absence is difficult. This past year she struggled with her health due to the cancer she was fighting against. She is a tough woman–one of the toughest that I have ever seen. She would be so sick from the chemotherapy that she could not eat without vomiting or having the runs. She was miserable but at the same time she was comforting those who were around her. She was concerned not with herself but with my family, her friends and me. She would even voice her concern to me for those who love and know her best. I told her that I would be alright if she went home to heaven.

 

In some of our talks over the last year, she would share with me some of her memories of our childhood. There are things that I did not remember until she brought them up in the course of our conversations. Did you know that she still has shoes from high school that she was able to wear? She took such good care of her clothes and shoes. Her closet has a section full of different purses that she collected. There are boxes of shoes, and the clothes–there are so many clothes that she had. This is the reason that it appeared to me that she did not wear the same clothes twice! Her scarves are all beautiful. I brought her a scarf from Israel and she loved it.

On or around our birthday, October 8th, I would go to her school where she was teaching and would spend an afternoon with her and her second grade students. I would sit in her “reading rocking chair” and read to her students. Then I would sit in amazement as Ms. Yambra would take her time with so much patience to teach her students. They would hang on her every word just as I would. She is one of the most creative teachers that I have ever seen. She knew just how to handle the different personalities in her classroom. Other teachers were always excited to meet Denise’s twin brother. They were some of her closest friends, the second grade teachers. They would praise her as she would introduce me to them, and with good reason. She helped others with her experience. She would give some of her teaching aids to others in order that they might teach even better than herself.

A few days before Denise passed away, she had received three boxes with her personal effects from her classroom. She sat there and stared at the boxes and said, “Twenty-five year career in three boxes.” Oh, how that broke my heart. All of us reassured her that her teaching career was not wrapped up in those three boxes but rather her career and influence was with over 500 second grade students that she taught. Her students are in the military, politics, medicine, law, manufacturing, etc. Her influence was great. Many of her former students would send her invitations to their high school and college or university graduations. This is her twenty-five year career. At her “Celebration of Life,” a fourth grader came up to me and wanted to reintroduce herself to me. I remember her from two years ago when I read to her and her classmates around Denise’s and my birthday. She loved Ms. Yambra and she wanted to let me know that she was loved. Her father said that his daughter had cried and cried when she heard that Ms. Yambra had passed away. That little girl gave me a hug. I just thought to myself, I bet she gave that same hug to Denise.

Denise tried her very best to comfort those who were around her in her final days here. She did a great job of bringing smiles and laughter to us. She never lost her sense of humor, that is for sure. She was walking from the restroom to her recliner in her living room using a walker to help keep herself steady. Once she came into the living room, she started to dance with that walker as she made her way to her chair. The last day that I saw her, she looked as if she was asleep, I told her that I loved her very much and I am so proud to call her my twin and friend. She cranked out a smile even though she was unable to open her eyes. She moaned. Inside my own heart and mind I moaned knowing that she would leave soon after I left. It was that night, June 27, 2014, at 10:07 p.m. when she breathed her last breath here and breathed her first fresh breath of heaven. I missed that transition by one minute as I showed up at her house at 10:08 p.m. I put my ear to her heart to hear her heartbeat. It was gone. She was done with her work her. She completed all that she needed to complete.

As I am grieving right now, it seems that there is nothing but this one thing that is going through my mind:

Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted. (Matthew 5:4)

It’s going to take some time, but I will be alright. Denise would have it no other way.

Celebration of the Life of Denise Fiama Gorena Yambra

The following is the message that I preached at my twin sister’s Celebration of Life Service that was held July 5, 2014 at 10:00 a.m. at First Baptist Church of Frisco, Texas.

It is my distinct honor and privilege to be standing here this morning to celebrate what God has done in the life of my twin sister, Denise Fiama Gorena Yambra. As her twin brother, I think that I have an “inside” track as to who she is. You see, we were womb mates for nine months. on October 8, 1966, at 3:30 p.m. in the afternoon, I like to say that Denise kicked me out of my mother’s womb and she came eight minutes later because she wanted to make sure her hair was nicely combed. Of course, I also say she has been late ever since!

My mother told Denise and me a few short weeks ago that we slept in the same crib for the first two to three years of our lives because we were inseparable. If my parents put either one of us in a separate crib both of us would start to cry. Once we were joined together again, we were fast asleep. For the first five to six years of our lives I did not speak. I had no need to say anything because Denise spoke for both of us. She knows what is best for both of us. Perhaps this is why we are so close and are able to empathize with each other when we have struggles, concerns or victories.

Being a twin is interesting. Back in the 1960s, it was a rare thing to have a set of twins or other multiple births. Even still today, the rate of pregnancies that are producing twins or multiple births is only at 3% of all live births (http://www.twinlesstwins.org.dreamhosters.come/wp-content/uploads/2012/02/Twin-Loss-Implications-Counselors.pdf, accessed July 2, 2014). These births produce intimate relationships between twins, whether they are identical or fraternal twins. Incidentally, both Denise and I are always asked if we are identical twins. I always answer, “No, she’s a girl and I am a boy. However, we do look-alike when she grows her beard.” At the same time, Denise’s answer is, “No, he’s a boy and I am a girl. However, we look-alike if he wears his hair in pigtails.” Although we are different in gender, each of us has an understanding of each other that I am not too sure that anyone else has with other siblings. There is a connection, a special bond.

She and I are simpatico. She understands me and I understand her. When she is hurting or has something on her mind, I can tell. When I am hurting or have something on my mind, she can tell. Her favorite color is blue and I know this about her. My favorite color is red and she knows this about me. Moreover, when you put both blue and red together you have the beautiful color of purple! We both love the color purple. This describes what I consider one of the most important relationships that I have. We are bonded together in such a way that it makes for a beautiful relationship.

Denise loves to eat vegetables that we did not eat as children as I love to eat vegetables. She wants her home in a particular order and I want my home in a particular order. Both of us are dog lovers. Both of us want our hair to look just right before we go out into public. Both of us want to make sure that our clothes are nicely pressed and that we have some sense of style.  Of course, my Denise has always had style. She gets this sense of style from my mother. I get my sense of style from my father.

Nevertheless, there is something about our identity. Identity is significant when you consider twins or children of multiple live births. As Mary R. Morgan has written, “Twins begin their identity in the womb. Whether fraternal or identical, they receive different stimuli and resources in the womb environment and, therefore, have different experiences that affect their fetal development. But from their cellular origins, they are ushered into the womb in relationship, both to their mother and to each other. And early on, they begin to show distinct, individual, and also interactive patterns of behavior and temperament, which have been observed and documented by researchers with the use of ultrasonography. These patters are often repeated after birth. I think it is fair to say that the rudiments of separate identity and relationship formation in twins have been clearly identified through ultrasound during the womb experience. . . . Taking into consideration that the issue of identity can be a source of vulnerability for twins, I think it is important to note that the research shows most twins, despite their challenges, go on to lead engaged and competent lives. The closeness, intimacy, and myriad of shared experiences create in many twins an ability to empathize and effectively achieve a genuine connection with other people. At the same time, they often persist in finding their own individual path. Possibly, as one researcher put it, ‘They are affirming their long sought-after identities.’ Understanding the meaning of twinship and the twin bond to our lives, and to our sense of who we are as individuals, we can be more sensitive to the challenges we ourselves face in the grieving process.” (http://www.twinlesstwinsorg.dreamhosters.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/02/Bereavement-Process-for-Twinless.pdf, accessed July 2, 2014)

Denise and I do share a common bond, a common thread. She and I have always called each other “half” knowing that she is half of me and I am half of her. Yes, we are two very different people. Yes, we have two very different lives. And, yet, there are so many similarities.

For instance, when I was living in Tennessee, Denise called me one day to let me know that she was in the hospital because of a kidney stone. When she told me this, I quickly empathized and sympathized with her because I was in the hospital with a kidney stone. It was the first experience with kidney stones for both of us. There would be days that I just sense that something was going on in Denise’s life that was causing her pain or grief and I would call just to check on her. The same held true with her; she would call me it seems when I was struggling or grieving over something. When we have had the opportunity to see each other, we never like saying good-bye; we have always said, “See you later!” Even on the telephone, i would say that i need to hang up to do something or she would say the same thing then we would talk to one another for another thirty minutes. Something there is different from any other relationship that I have. We identify with each other. We know each other. We can give each other certain looks and we know exactly what each other are thinking.

Valerie L. Schwiebert wrote in the Journal of Counseling and Development of six different identities among twins. They are follows:

  1. Unit identity. This pattern is characterized by a merged identity where each twin things of him- or herself as half of a whole personality. These twins find separation extremely painful and, if possible, often end up living with one another later in life.
  2. Interdependent identity. These twins consider each other best friends, look to each other for their primary support, and develop other relationships that mimic the twin bond. They are truly friends and depend on each other, sharing a healthy symbiotic relationship.
  3. Split identity. Twins who perceive inequalities between each other and who always define themselves as polar opposites may be bonded but seldom trust one another. Usually one twin is considered “good” and the other “bad.” The overvalued twin experiences relief at separation because that twin has lost the bad parts of his or her identity. However, the surviving twin still needs the twinship to highlight the surviving twin’s good qualities. The undervalued twin experiences anxiety and depression, because this twin has lost the good parts of him- or herself. The surviving twin may feel inadequate throughout life, unless he or she pursues an understanding of his or her role in the family.
  4. Idealized identity. Being twins is the most important aspect of these twins’ lives, and they take great pride in this unique relationship. They may not share thoughts and feelings intimately, but they face the world as a team. Separation from each other is not too difficult, although they may always remain attached to being twins.
  5. Competitive identity. These twins share a strong empathetic bond with each other, encouraging each other in their achievements and developing close, enduring bonds with others. The identity of each twin develops in parallel with that of the other, but each retains an appreciation for differences between them. ‘As a group the competitive twins have the most potential for growth outside of twinship’ (Shave & Ciriello, 1983, p. 82). They develop intimacy with other people, although they are always comforted by each other’s presence.
  6. sibling attachment identity. These twins develop very separate identities, and experience a relationship similar to that of very close siblings, making separation similar to that between non-twin siblings. (http://www.twinlesstwinsorg.dreamhosters.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/02/Twin-Loss-Implications-Counselors.pdf, accessed July 2, 2014)

Denise and I would be in the first category of identities, that is, the unit identity. We are a whole when we are together or when we are apart. She is half of me and I am half of her. We know each other and we understand each other.

We identify with each other on a physical level because we are twins. In addition, we identify with each other emotionally. That is to say that when Denise was down int he dumps I would be as well. If she was concerned for my parents’ well-being or our siblings’ well-being, I was concerned at the same time. We communicate these feelings towards others with each other. Neither one of us like  conflict with our siblings or parents. We would rather not face that because relationships to both of us are so important, especially our relationship to one another.

As all siblings do, Denise and I would get into arguments and fights. She would want to do something her way and I would want to do it my way. Sometimes we have been upset with each other but it does not last very long at all. She has always been the one who apologizes first. It bothers her to be at odds with me as much as it bothers me to be at odds with her. She calls my cell phone almost immediately after parting ways to apologize. After her apology, I apologize and ask for forgiveness. There have been times when we have parted ways and even though she calls me, I just do not say anything about the situation again.

Right before Christmas a few years ago, Denise and I had an argument. Both of us were upset. She called to apologize. I let it go to voicemail. A few days later, we gathered at my mother’s house for Christmas and she was nervous because I did not call her back to apologize or to accept her apology. My Cheryl asked me if I was going to call her before seeing her and I said, “No, there’s no need. She is forgiven.” When Denise and I saw each other at mom’s house, we hugged each other and did not have to say anything else about the matter. She knew she was forgiven and that there were no negative feelings from me. And I knew that she had already forgiven me as well. It does not matter if we argue or fight; it does not change the fact that we are twins and we are most concerned with keeping our relationship right and pure.

Denise has had it hard from time to time. I have as well. We have had struggles that only she and I know. We share those struggles with each other as we always have. At times when I think I am the weakest she seems to be the strongest. At times when she seems to be the weakest, I seem to be stronger.

Denise has exhibited strength throughout her illness. Her tenacity is great. She fights and fights. Her mindset is that she is going to beat the cancer. She is going to win and be victorious. She calls herself a “Warrior Princess.” I have to tel you, this is so true! My dad has always called Denise his princess and she fills the role very well. She is royalty, she knows it, and her attitude is that of a royal. What she decides to do in life is what she does.

I remember when we were kids that my parents would bring these green stamps home from the grocery store and give them to Denise and me. We would collect these green stamps so we could go to the Green Stamp Store and buy different items. Her very first purchase at the Green Stamp Store was a Vivitar camera. It took 110 Kodak film. The look on her face when she first bought the camera was priceless. Her smile, you know the one that she has, is beautiful. Her eyes speak volumes of joy when she accomplishes what she sets out to accomplish. Her excitement flows from her life and you can feel it. Her eyes sparkle with delight when she has saved and is able finally to make the purchase that she has planned.

Denise and I share an emotional attachment with one another. When we are happy, we are happy. When we are sad, we are sad. When we are angry, we are angry. When we are fearful, we are fearful. It always seems that we shared so many of the same feelings that sometimes in my own mind it is difficult to separate our emotions. The illness with which she has been dealing has been hard for both of us. However, through it all she has been a bulwark, a stalwart. She has toughed it out and she has stood strong. Her body unfortunately can no longer take her illness. Moreover, at the same time, I have faltered in my health during this crisis in my twin sister’s life. I have lost weight and have had pains in my abdomen and chest. Gratefully, I am all right. I am not sick physically but emotionally I have been because I see my twin sister going through what she is going through.

Denise and I share our identity as twins physically and emotionally. In addition, we share our identity spiritually. If you hear anything that I have to say this morning, hear what I am about to say.

In July 1976, both Denise and I were involved in a Vacation Bible School at Primera Iglesia Bautista de Brownsville. My cousin, Becky Rivera, was our teacher that week. She is one of our most beautiful cousins who is currently living out of the Country. All week-long, Becky taught us the Bible curriculum. She is a great Bible teacher as so many of my family members are. Denise and I, on that Thursday of Vacation Bible School, were asked by Becky if we had ever trusted Jesus Christ as Lord and Savior. To her chagrin, both of us said “no.” We had been in church from the very beginning of our lives. She proceeded to tell us how we could trust Jesus Christ as Lord and Savior. She used “The Four Spiritual Laws” tract from Campus Crusade. As we listened, it was as if both of us at the same tim said that we needed to be saved from our sin and we wanted to have Jesus Christ as Lord and Savior of our lives.

The first thing that Becky told us is that God loves us and offers us a wonderful plan for our lives. Listen to how John the apostle worded it in John 3:16:

God so loved the world that He gave His one and only Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life.

And, in John 10:10:

I came that they might have life, and might have it abundantly.

I told my Denise the other day that I wish I could take away the cancer from her or that I had it instead of her. She said to me, “Den,” that is what she calls me, “Den, God planned for me to have it, not you. I am not sure for what reason, but that is what He has planned.” I see from a distance now that His plan is at work even through the cancer because Denise is testifying to the fact that God has a plan for her life and for each of us. She rests in knowing that God loves her enough to have a plan for her life–even if it means that cancer is a part of the plan.

Now before you get upset about me saying that this is part of God’s plan for Denise, understand that this is truly what we believe as a family. Neither Denise nor I believe that God allows something to happen just to let it happen. We know that all that happens is part of His eternal plan and that all things will work together for the good of those who love God. Paul the apostle says in Romans 8:28:

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose.

Becky then asked us a question, “Why is it that most people are not experiencing that abundant life?” We were unsure as to the answer; after all, we were only nine years old. Moreover, while we were being reared we had all that we needed. Dad and mom made sure of that and they understand that it is God’s provision that they have received. Becky told us that the reasons that people are not experiencing abundant life is because man is sinful and separated from God. It is because of this that man cannot know and experience God’s love and plan for his life. Paul the apostle wrote in Romans 3:23:

All have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.

Man was created to have fellowship with God; but, because of his own stubborn self-will, he chose to go his own independent way and fellowship with God was broken. This self-will, characterized by an attitude of active rebellion or passive indifference, is an evidence of what the Bible calls sin. Both Denise and I know that we have self-will that is in defiance of God. We both know that because of this defiance we are separated from God who is holy, just, and righteous in perfection, without limitation. Paul the apostle said in Romans 6:23:

The wages of sin is death (spiritual separation from God).

There is a great gulf between God and man because of sin. Because of this, man is constantly trying to make an abundant life of his own but to no avail. We try to fill our lives with philosophy and religion and politics and economics and art and music and all other sorts of things. Nevertheless, there is a chasm between God and man that is deeper than the Grand Canyon itself. The gulf between God and man is greater than the African Rift. So how can one have this abundant life? Is there anything that can be done to bring this life to us?

Becky told us that there was one way–only one way. She said that Jesus Christ is God’s only provision for man’s sin. In other words, not all roads lead to the same destination. It is through Jesus Christ that all of us can know and experience God’s love and plan for our lives. Again, I refer to Paul the apostle in Romans 5:8, where he says:

God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.

Again, Paul says in 1 Corinthians 15:3-6:

Christ died for our sins…He was buried…He was raised on the third day, according to the Scriptures…He appeared to Peter, then to the twelve. After that He appeared to more than five hundred.

John the apostle directly quotes Jesus Christ in John 14:6, saying:

I am the way, and the truth, and the life, no one comes to the Father but through Me.

God has made a way for us to have abundant life through His Son, Jesus Christ. He is the One that bridges the gulf that separates us from God because of sin. Jesus Christ paid the price by dying on a cold, cruel cross in our place. He paid the penalty, the wage of our sins.

Now it is good to hear this good news. All of us need good news, do we not? Becky continued to tell us that it is good news to hear but we need to act upon it. We have to make a decision of some kind with the information that has been given us. Either we will say “yes” or we will say “no” to this good news. Either we will receive Jesus Christ as Lord and Savior or we will say no to Him. Whatever the case may be, we need to make a decision–you need to make a decision–today–at this very moment.

John the apostle says in John 1:12:

As many as received Him, to them He gave the right to become children of God, even to those who believe in His name.

Paul the apostle says in Ephesians 2:8-9:

By grace you have been saved through faith; and that not of yourselves, it is the gift of God; not as a result of works that no one should boast.

The result of receiving Jesus Christ as Lord and Savior is that you are born again. This is not to say that you go back into your mother’s womb, but spiritually you are dead because of your sin. This is a spiritual rebirth–you are born again! John the apostle records in his Gospel the idea of this new birth in John 3:1-8:

Now there was a man of the Pharisees named Nicodemus, a member of the Jewish ruling council. He came to Jesus at night and said, “Rabbi, we know you are a teacher who has come from God. For no one could perform the miraculous signs you are doing if God were not with him.” In reply Jesus declared, “I tell you the truth, no one can see the kingdom of God unless he is born again.” “How can a man be born when he is old?” Nicodemus asked. “Surely he cannot enter a second time into his mother’s womb to be born!” Jesus answered, “I tell you the truth, no one can enter the kingdom of God unless he is born of water and the Spirit. Flesh gives birth to flesh , but the Spirit gives birth to spirit. You should not be surprised at my saying, ‘You must be born again.’ The wind blows wherever it pleases. You hear its sound, but you cannot tell where it comes from or where it is going. So it is with everyone born of the Spirit.”

Denise and I heard these verses read to us in 1976. We understood then that we needed to experience the new birth that only Jesus Christ can give. Becky told us that He was inviting us to believe and trust Him for salvation. In answering this call, we needed to turn to God from self and we needed to trust Christ to come into our lives to forgive our sin and to make us what He wants us to be. Agreeing intellectually that Jesus Christ is the Son of God and that He died on the cross for our sins is not enough. Nor is it enough to have an emotional experience over what He has done. We receive Jesus Christ by faith as an act of our will. We step aside ourselves and we trust His Person and His Work for our salvation. It was July 8, 1976, when we were nine years old, that we trusted Jesus Christ as Lord and Savior. We were baptized later that same year together at Primera Iglesia Bautista de Brownsville.

Denise and I share much in common physically, emotionally and, most importantly, spiritually. I know, after having this conversation with her not too many months ago, that she wants me to tell you how you can share in this abundant life. My cousin, Becky, told us that to receive this gift of forgiveness and eternal life is a simply thing. You receive Jesus Christ as Lord and Savior through prayer. Prayer is something with which Denise and I are familiar. It is like speaking to each other. When someone prays to our Lord Jesus Christ it is just like having a conversation with Him. You can receive Jesus Christ as Lord and Savior by repeating this prayer:

Lord Jesus, I need You. Thank You for dying on the cross for my sins and for paying the penalties of my sin. I open the door of my life and receive You as my Lord and Savior. Thank You for forgiving my sins and giving me eternal life. Take control of the throne of my life. Make me the kind of person You want me to be. It is in Jesus’ name that I pray and believe, Amen.

If you have prayed this prayer this morning, would you signify it by raising your hand so I may pray for you. I know that Denise’s desire for each of us is this: that we would know Jesus Christ as Lord and Savior just as she knows Him.

Now, for my closing remarks, I want to share something with you. As you can tell from what I have read this morning, I am referring to Denise as if she is still alive. There is good reason for this. Before I left for my family vacation in May 2014, I told my twin sister that I had two concerns. The first was that something might happen to her while I was in Oregon. My second concern is the price of gas out west. She said to me–and I want you to know this–she said to me, “Den, you keep living because I’m going to keep living! And, concerning the price of gas, I can’t help you with that!” I replay those words repeatedly in my mind. I can hear her voice telling me this with that sheepish grin and sparkle in her eyes. Today, Denise is alive because Jesus Christ is alive. Denise is well because Jesus Christ has healed her completely. Denise is whole with a new body in Heaven. Denise is pain-free, tear free, cancer free because of the victory that Jesus Christ has over death, hell and the grave. It is by His amazing grace that her chains are gone and she is set free.

For now, I am going to say what I always say to Denise, “I love you, Niecey! See you later!”